Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
