Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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