Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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