so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
