I am puke
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
