conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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