i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
