I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize