dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
