so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
