I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
