true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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