Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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