Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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