I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
