dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize