What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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