Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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