Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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