Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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