I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize