Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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