I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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