I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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