Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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