if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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