plz talk dirty to me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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