how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
