Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize