woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
