I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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