How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
