Define "chronic" masturbator.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
