Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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