I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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