I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
