meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize