life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize