Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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