Just fell off a train. Bad.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
