I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
