I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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