two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
