I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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