i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
