You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
