You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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