You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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