Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
