It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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