you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
