I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
