I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize