"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
