just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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