I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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