i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
