had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
