Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
