the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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