My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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