Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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