Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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