Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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