my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
