i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Please don't give away my fajitas
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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