His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
