you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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