My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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